When Boris entered the room, Prince Andrey was listening to an old general, wearing his decorations, who was reporting something to Prince Andrey, with an expression of soldierly servility on his purple face. “Alright. Please wait!” he said to the general, speaking in Russian with the French accent which he used when he spoke with contempt. The moment he noticed Boris he stopped listening to the general who trotted imploringly after him and begged to be heard, while Prince Andrey turned to Boris with a cheerful smile and a nod of the head. Boris now clearly understood—what he had already guessed—that side by side with the system of discipline and subordination which were laid down in the Army Regulations, there existed a different and more real system—the system which compelled a tightly laced general with a purple face to wait respectfully for his turn while a mere captain like Prince Andrey chatted with a mere second lieutenant like Boris. Boris decided at once that he would be guided not by the official system but by this other unwritten system.
Tolstoy’s War and Peace
From what I can tell, humans aren’t particularly complacent, satisfied creatures. Ambition and competitiveness runs in our veins. And I don’t know if there is any place where this is more true than the ole US of A. From multitudinous sources, I have heard about the workaholism, restlessness, and general unhappiness of Americans, especially when contrasted to countries such as Spain or Italy. Yet there is another side to this coin. America is great - technologically, economically, and militarily. We are a global superpower, unparalleled until recently. Italy and Spain: well, they aren’t… As an anecdote, I was in Spain a little over 10 years ago and trying to go to a bank. I went in the morning, but they didn’t open until 10 am or later. I came back around 12 or 1 pm, and they were closed again and not just for a 1 hour lunch, but for a multi-hour siesta apparently. Do they even work?
“I believe that in all men’s lives at certain periods, and in many men’s lives at all periods between infancy and extreme old age, one of the most dominant elements is the desire to be inside the local ring and the terror of being left outside.”
C.S. Lewis “The Inner Ring”
I bring this up because I think there is some relationship between ambition and the strength of the in-crowd. Before we go there, I want to make clear my topic. Although we all likely know what an in-crowd is, let’s list a few examples. In-crowds are first presented to us, and at their strongest and most seductive, in school, specifically middle and high school in my case. I remember long field trip bus rides in middle school where I sat in a small circle with a few other guys. Things were often said between a couple of the guys that I was not privy to. This was intentional. Whatever they were saying was more exciting for that exact reason, because I didn’t hear it. I sat on the cusp of the in-crowd. From the surrounding seats on the bus, I looked to be one of them. But I knew, and they knew that I knew, that I wasn’t one of them - or at least not quite, not fully. I was outside it just enough for them to form a smaller, even more exclusive ring. Similar circumstances took place during school lunches and large social gatherings outside of school. In college, the in-crowds existed, especially in fraternities and sororities, but I developed a close-knit group of friends that was wholly removed, like with a 10 foot pole, from the periphery of the in-crowd. While I was generally happy and not lonely in college, this affected my life in many ways, predominantly labeling me as a leper in the dating scene.
“It is a terrible bore, of course, when old Fatty Smithson draws you aside and whispers, ‘Look here, we’ve got to get you in on this examination somehow’ or ‘Charles and I saw at once that you’ve got to be on this committee.’ A terrible bore… ah, but how much more terrible if you were left out! It is tiring and unhealthy to lose your Saturday afternoons: but to have them free because you don’t matter, that is much worse.”
C.S. Lewis “The Inner Ring”
Most recently, the in-crowd of note in my life is in church. I don’t say this to smear the church. As C.S. Lewis says in his essay, “The Inner Ring,” in-crowds are inevitable and often good, but the desire to be part of them is what can lead us to become scoundrels. While church is a focus for me, any large group of people will group themselves in rings. While many rings will be side by side, some will be overlapping and concentric, becoming tighter and more difficult to penetrate than others. Sometimes this social blood-brain barrier is necessary if a specific project is being worked on, or even when a back-and-forth conversation is trying to be had. These things would be difficult and eventually impossible with 8, 10, or 20 people.
Is any of this different here in America? I can’t say for sure, not having lived for an extended period abroad. But I can speculate! And who doesn’t love some little-informed speculation? If like Lewis says, inner rings are inevitable and often good and needed, then they likely are globally ubiquitous. Will they look different from nation to nation? Almost certainly. Not all cultures form the same kinds of social connections. But what America’s ambition and competitiveness do is change the amount of desire to be part of these rings. Striving to be great or change the world for the better is in the American bloodstream. We are expected to climb the professional ladder, promotion after promotion, to make as much money as possible, then retire early. Or, even better, just buy as many things as possible and keep working as long as possible. On a macro scale, America itself can be considered an inner ring. Many want to get it, but we intentionally limit this influx: immigration.
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
Jim Rohn
How many self-help gurus have written books or hosted podcasts about the quote above? It isn’t always mentioned word for word, but the idea is there. Wealth-porn media frames this as being around the wealthiest people possible. Others strive to be around those who are most erudite, the Pharisees of knowledge. There are those who want to be around the most honest, genuine, emotionally healthy people. And what might be considered even more reasonable, many of us want our children to be around other children that will be the best influence on them. This sounds so normal and healthy on the surface: I want my child to be around peers who have a strong work ethic, who love to learn, who are kind, who’s parents will be a positive influence. But what is the other side of this equation? I don’t want my children to be around kids that are lazy, dumb, mean, or who’s parents don’t meet my standards. Of course my kids can be around those kids a little, but not enough that they drag my son or daughter down. To do this, I will have to live in the right area, go to the right school, have them hang out with the right neighbors, and avoid the “not-right” neighbors.
I don’t have a strong thesis or witty advice waiting in the wings of this conclusion. For that, read the piece by Lewis. Even after reading that essay, it isn’t clear to me where the lines need to be drawn but it is clear that we will need lines. When do I eschew new friendships? If I put myself out there, am I doing so because of kindness and brotherly love, or am I running from loneliness and insecurity by grasping at those with a positive reputation? Or the harder question: when is it ok to cut people out of our lives? I’ve suggested that many of my patients do this when the person-in-question is overtly toxic. But what about when we are just not enjoying the friendship and don’t feel like it is helpful to us or our family, even if it isn't harmful? I have done this intentionally once and it certainly hurt the person who was cut out. But I think many people do this, they just do it more slowly, less clearly, and with no intentionality, almost like they forgot about the person or ignored them until the relationship slowly dissolved.
While I have no clear solution to the in-crowd, I do feel like being aware of it, acknowledging its existence and power, is a start by itself.